~ A "Letters from Silicon Valley" Series ~
In Silicon Valley, and elsewhere, there’s a growing interest in the application of emotional intelligence (EI) skills, even in the geekiest tech companies. Studies show that much of individual success in organizations is about being people smart or having "emotional intelligence." EI is a learnable set of skills that helps people understand and positively influence their interactions with others. It’s even more useful to techies than having Magic: the Gathering spells and abilities. At one company, executives, managers, and engineers who practiced EI skills found significant improvement in collaboration, innovation, and productivity. They reported that interpersonal conflict was reduced and the amount of time individuals fixated on problems with others was lessened; giving them more time and energy to spend on career-enhancing, productive pursuits.
One way to think of EI is as a set of four types of skills:
1. Self-awareness – Non-judgmental observation of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the moment.
2. Self-regulation – Controlling your own emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.
3. Empathy – Vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and attitudes of others when interacting with them.
4. Social Influence – Managing your words and actions to move people in a positive direction.
You might be thinking, “Great, so now I have an idea of what EI is, but what can I do to learn or practice these skills?” You might want to try these tips to help you get started:
1. Self-awareness – Notice when you zone out when speaking with someone. Practice bringing your attention back to the conversation. Afterward, write down a few non-judgmental observations about where your mind wandered off to and/or what you were thinking, feeling, and doing. For example, you might notice that you were annoyed with a colleague who once again brought a work conversation back to something he did so well, and it aggravated you and caused you to dis-engage in the conversation. Just observe what you thought, felt, and did. It’s OK to be annoyed. Don’t judge or criticize the other person, or yourself, for what you were thinking, feeling, or doing. Next time you talk to this person, notice, in the moment, what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Studies show that being self-aware in the moment reduces stress and increases the capacity to act positively. With practice you will increase your ability to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
2. Self-regulation – By being more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions in the moment, especially when you’re upset and at risk of reacting in a way that makes a tense situation worse, you’ll have the space to consciously contain yourself and respond to the other person in an appropriate manner. Practice pausing a second to determine your response to someone, especially those people who seem to trigger your worst reactions. For instance, to continue the example above, rather than disengage from a project partner, who can be annoying, but who you have to work with to accomplish a task, you might actually embrace the conversation in order to work on an action item.
3. Empathy – Seek to understand before being understood. Be present. Look people in the eye (when appropriate). Notice the tone of their voice and non-verbal communication. Actively listen (reflect back to the other person what you understood them saying and your emotional reaction). Build rapport by relating a time when you experienced something similar to what the other person is talking about. For example, in the situation described above, acknowledge the accomplishment your colleague mentioned by giving a compliment or saying how it must have felt good.
4. Social Influence – Start with your own intention to have a positive interaction. In your own mind, wish the best for the other person. Be optimistic and seek win/win solutions. Be open-minded, honest, and seek ways to positively build the relationship. Treat people the way you would like to be treated. In the situation above, think to yourself “I want us to succeed in our project” to help you stay engaged with him and to steer the conversation toward the task at hand. Over time you will get better at helping your colleague stay focused on tasks.
These are just a few thoughts on how you can begin down the path toward greater EI skills. I’m sure you already have all of these skills and with a little practice you can strengthen them. Start small with a skill that you are motivated to enhance and go from there.
May you become even more people smart and have much success.
Go Ducks!
Contact:
Humberto Chacon
humberto@chacon.us