How to boost your emotional intelligence

Part of the Suggestions from Silicon Valley series.

Studies show that much of individual success in organizations is about being people smart or having emotional intelligence (EQ). EQ is a learnable set of skills that helps people understand and positively influence their interactions with others.

At one company that I consulted with, executives, managers, and engineers who practiced EQ skills found significant improvement in collaboration, innovation, and productivity. They reported that interpersonal conflict was reduced, and the amount of time individuals fixated on problems with others was lessened, giving them more time and energy to spend on career-enhancing, productive pursuits.

One way to think of EQ is as a set of four types of skills:

1. Self-awareness – Notice when you zone out when speaking with someone. Practice bringing your attention back to the conversation. Afterward, write down a few non-judgmental observations about where your mind wandered off to and/or what you were thinking, feeling, doing, and saying.

For example, you might notice that you were annoyed with a co-worker who once again complained about something, and it aggravated you, causing you to disengage in the conversation. Just observe what you thought, felt, and did. It’s OK to be annoyed. Don’t judge or criticize the other person or yourself for what you were thinking, feeling, or doing. Next time you talk to this person, notice in the moment what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Studies show that being self-aware in the moment reduces stress and increases the capacity to act positively. With practice you will increase your ability to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, actions, and speech.

Pro tip: When noticing your emotions in the moment, name them to yourself, like “I’m feeling annoyed” or “I feel a sense of warmth toward this person.”

2. Self-regulation – By being more aware of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and speech in the moment, you’ll have the space to consciously contain yourself and respond to the other person in an appropriate manner. This is especially true when you’re upset and at risk of reacting in a way that makes a tense situation worse. Practice pausing a second to determine your response to someone. For instance, rather than disengage from your co-worker, you might actually embrace the conversation in order to help them deal with the situation they are unhappy with. 

3. Empathy – Seek to understand before being understood. Be present. Look people in the eye (when appropriate). Notice the tone of their voice and non-verbal communication. Actively listen (reflect back to the other person what you think they are saying and feeling). Build rapport by relating a time when you experienced something similar to what the other person is talking about. For example, in the situation described above, acknowledge that you understand how your co-worker could be irritated because you have experienced a similar situation. 

4. Social Influence – Start with your own intention to have a positive interaction. In your own mind, wish the best for the other person. Be optimistic and seek win-win solutions. Be open-minded and honest, seeking ways to positively build the relationship. Treat people the way you would like to be treated. In the situation above, try thinking to yourself “I want my co-worker to succeed” to help you stay engaged with them and to steer the conversation toward helping them deal with the situation. Over time you will get better at interacting with your co-worker.